One Night
by araeo
Summary: ...in the life of the living dead. Take a peek into the life of this most elusive species – the new parent. Watch as they navigate an extremely rare night out without their offspring. Can they survive a night of misbehaving babysitters, portly cops, and the monotony of married life? AH.
1. Chapter 1

_Hello! Long time no write, huh? So...it's not an update for Chain Reaction, I know. But it's something – which is a big deal since getting knocked up made all my creativity vanish – and this short story is finished. This was sort of cathartic for me, since I've basically been living this life since my daughter was born in August (though this is HIGHLY fictionalized). This is also unbeta'd, since I didn't feel worthy enough to ask anyone to look this over after I've been MIA for months. Anyway, hope you enjoy._

_Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. We all know this. No copyright infringement is intended._

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**Chapter 1**

"Are you ready to go, love?" My husband rested a shoulder against the doorframe of the bathroom, raking his eyes over my reflection, pausing to literally leer at my chest. I hadn't buttoned my blouse yet, which left him a lot of skin to see. He practically drooled, and I caught him licking his lips.

"Just about," I returned, enjoying his obvious appraisal. A frisson of crackling energy warmed my belly as his eyes covered every inch of me.

But that didn't stop me from letting my own gaze wander. His dark, broken-in jeans perfectly hugged his hips. He wore a black button-down cotton shirt, sleeves rolled up over his forearms. His overlong hair was tousled atop his head, brushed up away from his eyes. It had been a while since either one of us had found the time to make it for a haircut.

_Damn. He still looks like walking sex. How did I get so lucky? _

While his looks were usually the first thing a person noticed about my husband, his appearance wasn't even close to the best thing about him. He was funny, smart, and so very patient – which had come in extremely handy in the past few months. Confident and self-assured in his job and at home, he was pretty close to the poster-boy for the ideal husband. If he wasn't at work, he was making sure his favorite girls were happy. And when he was home, we were. The warm, strong hugs, the infectious smiles, his ready laughter, and the way he looked at our new daughter all did a lethal job on my heart. He was just perfect; we were perfect together.

But one thing was not so great, and it was a big one. A doozy. And I felt so damn guilty.

Ever since our daughter had been born almost nine weeks ago – _holy shit, had it really been nine weeks_? – our sex life had taken a major hit. For the first six, I couldn't have cared less about sex, and he'd been too tired to do much begging. Having a baby effectively turned me into a parent zombie. I pretty much felt like one of the walking dead in those early days. It was sort of hard to reconnect with my husband when we both passed out within seconds of our heads hitting the pillow – when they hit the pillow at all.

I loved my daughter, but the reality of first-time parenthood was a far cry from the rose-colored dreams of the parent-to-be. Nothing could have prepared us for the changes that came with having a child. Our lives would never be the same. And I wouldn't change it for the world. Most of the time.

Some things hadn't changed at all. As a physician, my better half sometimes worked long, unpredictable hours, and it was always on those days that Emily had major meltdowns, though they didn't happen too often.

Before Emily was born, we'd both agreed that I'd stay at home with the her while he kept his job as a fellow at the local hospital. In those long, agonizing, boring two weeks before I went into labor, I was excited about the transition from career-woman to full-time stay-at-home mom.

It was around two weeks postpartum that my rose-colored glasses broke. They fell completely off and shattered on the dry, oven-baked dirt of the hottest summer on record in fifteen years.

I was ashamed to admit I'd been fantasizing about getting a job (simply for adult interaction) since week four. I was that desperate.

One thing that hadn't changed was my husband's libido. We hadn't gone a day where sex hadn't been mentioned at least once since Emily was three weeks old. After a few days of dealing with his pitifulness (and a few placating blowjobs), I finally felt a little guilty and let him have a quickie. I was a little worried so soon after my c-section, but I felt pretty much back to normal and he promised to keep it fast. Let me tell you, I was sold.

Right. Insert eye-roll here.

I panicked after we finished, remembering that I wasn't back on birth control yet. As I laid there beside my spent and admittedly satisfied man, I decided that if he got me pregnant again, I'd kill myself – after I killed _him_. Even though I was breastfeeding, my ovaries were probably stubborn enough to shoot out an egg that soon after giving birth. He teased me until I got my period, jokingly referencing my new bun in the oven and voicing his desire to give Emily lots of siblings. It was terrifying. Thankfully, he hadn't knocked me up again with that one lackluster attempt at reviving our sex life. The whole experience convinced me to get an IUD at my six-week checkup.

We hadn't been together like that since then, but not for lack of trying on his part. Now, six weeks later, I was finally starting to miss being with my husband.

From the glint in his storm-deep eyes, it seemed he was more than ready to take care of that.

"You look really great," he said, his voice a little husky.

"Thanks." Suddenly feeling a little shy, I pretended to focus on smoothing a coat of tinted gloss over my lips. I finished with a spritz of scent I knew drove him a little mad. "Gotta try to look hot, so people don't wonder what you're doing with the troll with the big ass." I started to squeeze past him, but he snagged my elbow and held me still.

"You're beautiful. Completely gorgeous." Pinning me with a firm, no-nonsense look, he wrapped his arms around me and let one drift down and then up again, under my skirt. "And I could tell you how much I love your ass, but I'd much rather show you." Taking a long, slow breath, he nuzzled his nose in the crook of my neck. "God, you smell good," he muttered, pulling my hips against his, flexing into me as he groaned a little. There was no mistaking the hardening length of him behind well-worn denim. "You're so soft...I love holding you."

I rested my palms flat against his chest and let my head drop back limply as he brushed his lips over my neck. "I wish we could stay in, Edward," I hummed lazily, inhaling sharply when I felt the heat of his tongue just behind my ear.

"I know, love. But we've got reservations. Let's go out and enjoy ourselves for the evening, since our opportunities to do so are few and far between these days." He pulled back, grinning crookedly. "Let's have a good time. When we get back, though...you're mine," he almost growled, dipping his head down to kiss me.

I whimpered against the soft warmth of his mouth, relishing the feel of firm flesh under my hands, hot even through his shirt. His heart thumped heavily beneath my palms, quickening when I opened my mouth to his questing tongue. And with that, I was ready to skip the dinner portion of our evening and head straight to the sex.

Too soon, he ended the kiss with a soft nip to my bottom lip and a gentle brush of his nose against mine. Our lips grazed once more before he backed away, holding his hands in the air. "Reservations," he sighed, looking pained, like he was having trouble sticking to his plans.

Swallowing heavily, I nodded. "We'd be stupid not to take advantage of the free babysitting."

"Right. Renee and Charlie are excited to watch Emily for us while they're visiting. They won't be here for long," Edward added.

One single mention of my parents was enough to banish any lustful thoughts I'd been having.

"Hopefully they won't be here _at the same time_ ever again," I said through clenched teeth. Living under the same roof with both of my long-divorced parents was stressing me the hell out. No matter how many times I swept, it seemed metaphorical eggshells were splattered all over the floor when they were in the same room. I loved my parents, but this was a wet, messy minefield and I was tired of picking my way through.

"You can say that again," he laughed. "We really need to schedule these visits better."

Renee and Charlie had been at each other's throats ever since they'd arrived. If I had to hear one more argument over who was getting more time holding the precious grand baby, I just might have to tie them to the patio furniture out back, gagged and facing one another, for extra payback.

I sighed and went to button up my shirt. "It figures that the only week Charlie could get off of work would be the same time Renee had cheap-ass airline tickets. Are you sure we can trust them with Emily?"

"Don't ask me that. There's a part of me that never wants to let her out of my sight. But I know that we need a few hours to ourselves. We should have time to relax like we used to every once in a while." He paused and sighed quietly before gently moving my hands out of the way and taking their place with his own, slowly working his way up.

It was pretty much exactly the way I felt. We needed to do something together. We needed to be Edward and Bella the couple, not just Edward and Bella, Emily's parents.

As he fastened the buttons over my breasts, he bent to place a slow kiss low on my chest.

"You like my outfit?" I blurted before I could stop. My skirt flirted with the line between wear-to-work and date night The blouse I wore let a hint of black lace bra show through; it was more a shadow than a reality. I looked good, and I felt it. It had been so long since I even thought of dressing up for anything and damn, did it feel nice to be appreciated so blatantly.

He lifted his head, his eyes heated, mouth kicked up in that one-sided smile I loved so much. "So perfect." He finished the last button and slid one hand down to my hip. "You know I love the way you look in blue."

"Thanks." I looked down, my cheeks heating. It was amazing, how he could still do that to me after all these years. I was so lucky to have someone that made me feel so special... "Later, Edward," I reminded him, before we got too carried away.

"I really wish we could stay in tonight," he murmured with a sweet smile.

"Haven't I suggested that once or twice? Or three times."

"I know, I know. Let's go say goodbye to Emily."

Renee and Charlie were sniping at each other when we got to the living room. Emily was hanging out in her bouncy seat, staring raptly at the television.

_Thanks a lot, Charlie. I really wanted to get my child an early start on the path to laziness._

"Well, we can't all be _enlightened_, Renee," Charlie snarked, mustache twitching.

_Shit. That only happened when he was really mad. What the hell did Mom do?_

"Charlie, don't be that way. I'm just saying, once you've been blessed with inner peace, all that stress will just melt away," Renee said, completely aware that she was irritating my father to no end. "Your aura is positively gray with strain!"

"Gee, I wonder what's causing all that stress?" Charlie deadpanned, turning his attention toward the college football game that was blaring on the TV. "Devil woman," he muttered under his breath. Renee narrowed her eyes and scowled.

Deciding I'd better interrupt their conversation before it turned into a boxing match, I cut in. "Hi, guys! Edward and I are all ready to go!" I chirped brightly. Fuck, I sounded just like Edward's sister Alice – and though I loved her, that chick was annoying to no end.

"Sure you don't want to take your mother with you?" Charlie griped under his breath. Thankfully, Renee either didn't hear or didn't acknowledge his comment. Edward looked panicked, but I simply ignored him.

"We should be home in a few hours. I've left numbers for our cell phones, the pediatrician, Edward's parents, his siblings, the neighbors, the poison control line, the restaurant, the police –"

"We've left all the numbers you need on the dry erase board in the kitchen," Edward interrupted with a wry smile, squeezing my hand. "If you need anything, just call us."

We both went over to kiss Emily goodbye. She gave us one of the adorable, shy smiles she bestowed so sparingly, blinking her eyes and waving her tiny fists. Wispy, dark brown hair stuck up on top of her head, making her look a little like Alfalfa from the _Little Rascals._ Her dark eyes glinted with a joy for life that made me all mushy inside. It was amazing – the feelings she inspired were like nothing I could have ever imagined before I became a mother. It was those few, precious moments that made most frustrations dissolve in an instant.

And seeing Edward interact with her? It melted me completely. She always looked so tiny in his large hands, but he was unfailingly gentle with her. The way he smiled down at her was so warm, so loving. And when he cradled her in his arms...it was just too much sometimes.

"We'll be fine, dear," my mother said dismissively, waving a hand. "No need to worry."

I snapped out of my thoughts and gave her a somewhat skeptical look. What she didn't know was that where she was involved, I'd always worry. At least with Charlie there to keep her in line, I felt somewhat comfortable leaving my daughter with the two of them.

_After all, I survived them... Barely._

"Well, we have reservations in half an hour. We should go, love," Edward reminded me, taking my arm.

"Bye, you two!" Renee chirped.

Charlie just grunted and waved his hand in our direction. "Go, have fun. See you two kids later."

I swallowed uncomfortably. "Right. We should go." In spite of my words, Edward still had to drag me out of the house. I pressed another kiss to the top of Emily's head before I went.

Why was it so hard to leave my sweet, sweet baby when going somewhere without her was all I dreamed of?

Oh, the mysteries of motherhood...

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_There you have it – chapter one of five. You'll get a chapter a day, unless my daughter decides to actually nap like a proper 3-month-old. But I wouldn't hold your breath. _


	2. Chapter 2

_Wow, I'm pretty sure I recognized almost all of you who commented! It seems a lot of you are parents as well, and can relate. I really enjoyed reading some of your tales of parenthood - keep 'em coming! I need all the help I can get. _

_KristenLynn was gracious enough to look this over for me, but any mistakes are mine.  
_

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**Chapter 2**

Not five minutes after we left the house, my phone rang.

My happiness bubble burst, sort of like it always did when I'm sure I've finally gotten Emily down for a nap – and then I suddenly hear her crying through the baby monitor.

Edward glanced over at me, his expression going tense in an instant. "Shit," he sighed, his shoulders visibly slumping.

"Hello Charlie," I drawled, putting the call on speaker.

"You guys need to come back here! You can't be far from the house." He sounded panicked. I heard a clatter in the background and then Charlie muttered something. It sounded like he'd covered the phone with his hand. I barely made out "It's gonna take more than that, Renee!"

I started to freak out a little, wondering what the hell my parents were doing to my sweet baby. We'd barely left home and already something was wrong! Oh, God, how much damage could they do in the five minutes it would take us to get back to the house?

"Wait, wait, Charlie," Edward cut in as he slowed for a stoplight. "What, exactly, is going on?"

Call me crazy, but it sort of turned me on to hear my husband take that demanding tone with my father. Maybe it was the Momma bear in me, and she liked seeing Daddy bear taking charge to protect his own.

Charlie sputtered, "It's Emily – she's covered in...in –"

And I was right back to panic as my mind supplied all sorts of horrible things. "Hives?" I gasped. "A rash? Chickenpox? Oh, shit, Edward, what if she's got Chickenpox?" What was taking these lights so long? I was about ready to hop out of the car and run home.

"Shit!" Charlie cursed. And what was that new noise? It sounded like gagging.

"Bella, calm down," Edward commanded, taking the role of rational adult. Someone had to do it. "Bella, she can't have developed Chickenpox in the mere minutes since we left the house. Charlie, it can't be that bad. We've only been gone a few minutes!"

"Oh, it's bad, Edward," Charlie groaned.

"Have you called 911?" I cried, now in full freak out mode.

"Charlie, get your ass in this kitchen!" My mother suddenly shouted, and in the background, I heard Emily shrieking. The light turned green and Edward accelerated, giving no sign of heading toward home.

"Edward, turn this car around right now!" I demanded, legitimately hyperventilating. Well, almost.

"I'm not touching that shit, woman!" my father growled as Emily's cries grew louder.

"What the hell is going on?" Why was no one listening to me?

There was a scuffle on the line, more of Charlie's cursing and grumbling, and then I heard my mother. "Bella, I'm sorry. Your father got away from me." I could tell she was really pissed. Probably talking through her teeth. She always did that to me when I ticked her off as a kid.

"What's going on, Renee? We're on our way home right now," Edward said calmly as he made a U-turn. His blasé attitude was starting to get on my nerves.

"Kids, there's no need to come home," she began, but I'd had enough.

"No need to come home?" I repeated, each word louder and more shrill than the last. "My daughter is probably covered in pustules and hives, and it's all your fault!"

Renee laughed. "Is that what Charlie told you?"

"Charlie didn't really tell us anything," Edward cut in, a touch of exasperation beginning to color his tone. Finally, he shows some damn emotion!

"I told you she was covered in shit!" Charlie yelled in the background. "The whole house smells like a rotten cow patty!"

I blinked, my mouth dropping open in shock. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

"You called us to come home because she had a dirty diaper?" Now, Edward was pissed.

"He used to do the same thing when you were a baby, Bella," Renee sighed. "I don't think the man's ever changed a diaper on his own in his life."

I could hear Charlie muttering in the background. "It was all up her back, damn it! How can so much shit come out of a tiny baby?"

"She's a baby. She poops, Dad. You scared me to death!" I growled.

"Go watch your football, Charlie. Don't tax your brain cells," Renee quipped derisively. I assumed he did as she instructed, as I didn't hear any more grumbling. Damn. Who would have thought Renee would be the reasonable, responsible one?

By that time, Edward had pulled over. I watched as he banged his head on the steering wheel, frustration evident in every line of his body. Finally, he looked up at me, exasperation written all over his face. "What the fuck?" he mouthed, and I just shook my head.

It _was_ a miracle I'd survived my formative years.

"I'm really sorry, kids. I tried to tell him to leave you alone, but I had my hands full hosing down the little monster in the kitchen sink."

Edward and I just stared at one another for a moment, before he burst into laughter. "I had to do that last week, Renee," he admitted. "I think there was more poop on her than in the diaper!"

I rolled my eyes. "You mean you had the same reaction as Charlie and woke me up from my nap to come and help you clean her up."

"I wasn't that bad, was I?"

It was my turn to laugh. "Yes!"

"God, I'm sorry, Bella," he said, shaking his head. "How did you not murder me?"

"It was fairly difficult."

"I guess I'm lucky you love me," he concluded with a gentle smile, one I couldn't help but return.

"Very," I agreed softly.

"And that's my cue to hang up before I hear something I'm not supposed to," Renee chimed in.

Shit! I'd forgotten she was still on the line.

"You two have fun. I've got _both_ these babies under control," she added dryly.

"Thanks, Mom."

Edward added his own goodbye. "Yes, thank you, Renee. We'll see you later this evening."

"I won't wait up. You kids have fun! I mean it. We're fine. And Bella – if your father calls again, just send it to voicemail."

"Believe me, I will," I agreed.

The line went silent and my phone went dark. Edward and I looked at each other warily, as if the device might leap to life and strangle us or something. After a few minutes of silence, he finally spoke.

"And to think – I thought your mother was the crazy one."

* * *

When we finally got to the restaurant, we spent the evening enjoying a hot meal (something incredibly rare once we became parents) and a few cocktails (even rarer, but much more necessary). Edward had dragged me to the local Brazilian steakhouse and, to my surprise, I enjoyed every bite. I know he enjoyed it more, especially since he managed to beat his self-timed record of fifty-four solid minutes of meat-eating. He refused to hit up the salad bar, saying it was a waste of money and stomach space. He'd rather fill his belly with delicious, fire-roasted animal flesh.

Straight from the horse's mouth, folks. And he's all mine.

I'd be marinating in Edward funk in more ways than one tonight. He always tried to catch me in the Dutch Oven after he ate like that. Because to him, fart humor was just that funny.

_He's lucky he's a good-looking bastard. It's the only thing that saves him._

While I was a little aghast at my husband's ability to consume freakishly large amounts of meat, there was one advantage. As he continued to stuff himself, I took the opportunity to drink my dessert. I hadn't had an adult beverage for almost a year, and I couldn't wait to enjoy an evening with my old BFF, Al Cohol.

Have I mentioned that my sober sense of humor is sort of lame?

In spite of my lameness and Edward's gluttony, we had a great time. At first, we laughed and told stories – tales of my day at Emily's every beck and call, and strange and Edward's bizarre experiences at the hospital. Just when he thought he'd seen it all, someone else would come in with a new, completely baffling – and creative – foreign object shoved up their ass.

My theory was that these people knew my hot husband was one of the top fellows in Radiology, and did whatever they could to make sure they got a consult. Okay, not really, but it freaked Edward out to think people could be that nuts. And I really enjoyed freaking my husband out.

Before I knew it, we were heading home; our adult time was rapidly coming to an end. Time sure flies when I'm _sans_ baby.

I was sufficiently liquored up on caipirinhas and feeling a little risque. Smiling to myself, I traced lazy circles over Edward's thigh as he drove, watching the way his jaw tensed in response. His fingers clenched the steering wheel tightly, the muscles of his thigh becoming incredibly hard underneath my touch. In all honesty, I would have been happy with some good snuggles and a few minutes of late-night TV in bed, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't dying for some good, old-fashioned boning. Like we used to do before we decided to breed and threw away all our time as a sexually active couple.

It seemed Edward was on the same page. "You don't know what you're doing to me," he growled, biting his lower lip. Below, his hips betrayed his sensible warning by hitching up against my caress. His erection grew underneath my touch, and I couldn't resist the moan that slipped from my lips.

With a small, knowing smile, I murmured, "Oh, I think I do..."

He shot me a heated glance, his eyes glinting under a passing streetlight. "You're playing with fire, Bella," he drawled low, gripping my hand and bringing it up to his lips for a little kiss.

God, he was simply mouthwatering. And I was married to him. He was like the jackpot in the husband lottery, even if the bastard did ruin our lives by knocking me up. Never mind that I was fully on-board with the whole "let's have a baby" idea back then.

In my defense, I knew not what I was thinking.

When we finally pulled into the garage, he had me out of the car in no time. He pressed me up against the door that led from the garage to the kitchen and plastered himself to my front. My feet were barely touching the ground; he held me up with his hips fixed firmly between my legs.

"Just wait until I get you in bed," Edward promised, his voice rough as he kissed my neck. "I'll turn you into a screamer yet..."

_Jesus H. Christ..._

"You're going to come so hard, love..." He punctuated that statement with a sharp nip of his teeth, followed by the hot, sweet rasp of his tongue as he fumbled with the doorknob behind my back.

My head hit the door with a thump. I wedged a hand in between us and slid it down to cover his erection, smiling when he groaned low and thrust his hips against my hand.

Behind me, the door opened wide. He kept me from falling backward and we both stumbled into the house, his lips still attached to my skin. Clumsily, I kicked the door shut and we fumbled our way down the hall, stopping repeatedly for knee-melting kisses.

More than once I found myself sandwiched between the drywall and Edward's hard, lanky frame. Tongues danced and slid, hands swept and gripped as we kissed, lost in each other. As we passed the living room, he palmed my ass, urging me to wrap my thighs around his waist. One hand slid down, slipping under my skirt and pulling it up so he could shove his hand down the back of my panties.

"Oh, God..."

_Huh?_

That definitely wasn't me... And since when did Edward take the name of the Lord in vain in falsetto?

"Shit... Yeah... Oh, fuck..."

My eyes went wide, meeting Edward's panicked ones as we both froze.

Because that wasn't Edward. Or me.

And then I knew exactly who was defiling our living room. I clamped my lips shut in case the need to be sick became too much. It wouldn't do to vomit all over our nice date clothes. Even though I knew it was a horrible, terrible mistake, I peeked around Edward's head to the couch beyond.

What I saw damn near broke my eyes. I wanted to burn out my retinas. I was pretty sure I'd never be able to be a normal, sexually active human being ever again...

Because my parents were fucking on the leather couch. Loudly.

Thankfully, Edward had the peace of mind to haul me away from the situation, as I was frozen in my place. I was so shocked and disgusted that we were in the backyard before I realized we were safe from the absolute worst thing a person could witness, aside from some horrible crime or atrocity.

This was neither of those things, but my brain sure wanted to treat it like one.

"Did we just...?" Edward trailed off, looking a little green.

I gagged in response, my dinner threatening to make a grand reappearance. Wrenching myself away from his grasp, I bent over the rose bush at the edge of the backyard, dry-heaving as image after image of my parents doing the nasty assaulted my brain.

Edward followed and rubbed his hand over my back gently, and when I finally calmed down, I wailed, "I can't go back in my own house ever again!"

Wrapping an arm around me, he guided us to the walking path that bordered our yard. "Sure you can, love. We'll have the entire house sterilized. Buy stock in Clorox wipes. We'll get the whole thing steam-cleaned. We'll get one of those circus tents and fumigate it with chemicals."

Right. Because sometimes I did think that having my parents visit equated to living with a really bad pest infestation.

I laughed and let him steer me toward our destination, wherever that was. Leaning my head against the swell of his shoulder, I relaxed and enjoyed the feeling of having him next to me. After a while, I realized we were heading toward the park where I strolled with Emily every day. It was about three blocks away from our house and boasted a smooth, serene walking trail that we both enjoyed.

Though I wasn't sure I could enjoy anything ever again after what I'd witnessed tonight. I cringed, wishing I had the guts to scratch my own eyes out. Then again, that wouldn't erase the extremely disturbing vision of my parents humping each other from my mind.

For that, I needed an S.O.S. pad made for brains. Bring on the steel wool and heavy-duty detergent, because I was dealing with some major filth. The kind that stains your mind forever. Yuck.

"I loved that couch," I sniffed, unable to decide whether to cry or vomit.

"I know, Bella...but it has to go," he told me, his tone final, as if fearing I might not agree that my beloved sofa needed to be burned to a crisp. "We'll get another one just like it, I promise."

I nodded sadly. No amount of sterilizing or steam-cleaning or chemical peeling would ever remove the essence of parental sex from my precious couch. Re-upholstery wouldn't even do the trick – the cushion stuffing would be forever tainted.

Just like the horrible, traumatizing memories that would forever circle my brain.

We reached the playground and weaved our way through the equipment. Like teenagers out past curfew, we crept between the slides, the swings, and the seesaw. Finally satisfied that we were all alone there in the darkness, he lifted me to sit atop the tire swing. Playfully, he gave me a push, waiting until I swung back toward him. He grabbed the heavy chains and held me close.

Letting my head drop against his chest, I moaned, "I'm scarred for life, Edward! What has been seen cannot be unseen! I don't even...what the fuck?"

Gently, he took my wrist and pressed a soft kiss to the inside. "Bella, you're speaking in internet meme captions. You've got to calm down."

I chanced a look at him, catching the faint smile that flirted with his lips. "Easy for you to say – we didn't just see Esme and Carlisle doing the nasty!"

He barked out a laugh and grinned. "I would have been expecting that. My parents are still married and sickening in their affection for one another. Now, Renee and Charlie? That's a big fucking surprise."

I groaned loudly. "Stop, stop!" I squeezed my eyes shut, but my own brain was torturing me – what I'd seen was permanently burned behind my eyelids. "Please, just don't. And that was a horrible pun. 'Fucking surprise?' Gross."

"I'm a little impressed," Edward mused, "Going at it over the back of the couch like that? Who would have thought Charlie had it in him –"

"Are you kidding me? This is _not_ funny!" I screeched, clapping my hand over my husband's out of control mouth. "I'm really gonna puke this time."

Edward smirked evilly. "Sorry...more like Renee had it _in_ her..."

Saliva actually pooled at the back of my tongue as I gagged again, but I managed to push the feeling back. "You're incredibly immature and disgusting." I couldn't fight the sour expression that took over my features.

"You know what sucks?" Edward asked suddenly, heaving a sigh.

It was enough to distract me. "What?" I blinked at him, taking in his slumped shoulders and pouty lip. _Damn, that lip..._

"They're getting some and we're not." His tone was so glum, I almost forgot he was referring to my parents. _My. Parents_. _Who are divorced and can't stand each other..._

"Jesus, Edward...you _do_ realize that might never happen again after what I've seen tonight."

Pulling me close, he murmured, "I bet I can change your mind."

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_a/n: Yes, I have used the spray thingy in the kitchen sink to clean poop off my kid. Can anyone tell me why she only has those blow-outs right after I've given her a bath? Sigh._


	3. Chapter 3

_****I know, I still haven't been able to reply to reviews. Argh. Every time I sit down to try, someone needs attention._

_Though I gotta say, your baby poop/disaster stories are cracking me up and making me feel like less of an inexperienced, incompetent fool. Thank God this shit (no pun intended) has happened to a lot of you as well! I love it. _

_KristenLynn looked this over for me, bless her heart. Any mistakes are mine._

* * *

**Chapter 3**

I was plastered to the length of his body, but there was no way I could enjoy it when all I could think about was my parents...on my sofa...doing – ugh, the urge to vomit was back. "Sorry, big guy. Not gonna happen."

A playful, evil little smile flirted with his lips. He sighed and said, "Well...you really shouldn't have said that."

"I'm serious. It's not happening." My voice was as firm as I could make it. Which, when Edward was involved, wasn't very convincing.

And he knew it. Boy, did he know it.

His fingers dug into my sides to tickle my ribs, and I twisted out of his grasp, laughing breathlessly. I shoved him back and heaved myself from the tire swing, weaving around the monkey bars. He was right on my trail as I scrambled up the cargo net on the back side of the slide. Too late, I realized heels weren't the ideal footwear for this sort of thing.

"Gotcha," he gloated, his hand locking around my ankle like a manacle.

Almost to the top, I held on to the net like an octopus clinging to a rock as he started to pull. "Don't make me kick you in your pretty face, Cullen." An empty threat, but he didn't have to know that.

Too bad he called my bluff right off.

"You like my pretty face too much to do that," he scoffed, but he didn't keep trying to pull me down; he pulled my leg a little to the side.

I chanced a look down and caught his smug face staring right up my skirt. In spite of my precarious predicament, I snorted into a laugh. "You're such a freaking pervert."

With a knowing smile, he let go of my ankle and slowly slid his hand up my calf. When he reached the back of my knee, he lightly trailed his fingers over the sensitive skin, making me stifle a shriek as my whole body reacted.

He knew it was the most ticklish spot I had. Jerk.

I loosened my grip on the cargo net just enough for him to pull me down as he closed his other hand around my ankle. Losing my balance, I fell backwards with a scream. Edward was ready, catching me easily.

"Shh," he admonished, his breath hot in my ear. "It's late. We wouldn't want to wake the neighbors."

"Then don't scare me to death," I snapped, smacking at his arms where they were locked around my waist. My feet dangled a few inches off the ground, rendering my squirming useless.

Though I couldn't see him, the laughter in his voice was plain. "Don't be such an easy target."

"That was a dirty trick," I griped, relaxing a bit in his grip.

"I never said I'd play fair, baby," he drawled, the words dripping with promise, sparking desire low in my belly in spite of my annoyance. Loosening his arms, he let me slide down his front.

I almost gave in. The feel of his body behind mine, the way his fingers spread wide, as if he couldn't touch enough of me... I sunk back against him and closed my eyes to savor the sensation.

And then I remembered why we were in the park. Why we weren't at home, rolling around naked in our comfy bed.

Gross.

Mood sufficiently killed.

Taking advantage of Edward's loosened grip, I twisted out of his arms and ran behind the slide. Ahead of me was some sort of balance beam, another jungle gym, and some sort of playhouse. Considering my attire, the only safe choice was the little wooden house in the center of the park. Decision made, I darted between the structures, scrambled up the rickety wooden ladder, and folded myself in half to slip through the doorway.

Too late, I realized I'd trapped myself in an enclosed area with only one way out – and Edward was currently climbing through the only escape route available, unless I wanted to try to dig through wooden planks. Yeah, not happening. Without any other option, I put on my bitchiest face and situated myself in the corner, pulling my knees up tight to my chest. As a last resort, I tossed my shoes in his direction. Of course my aim was off, as usual, and I completely missed. The bastard didn't even duck to pretend my missiles were anywhere close to hitting their target.

"Bella," he crooned – fucking _crooned – _laying it on extra thick. He planted himself right next to me and snaked one arm around my waist.

"Not gonna work, Edward," I said primly, sitting ramrod straight against the wall.

As usual, my husband wasn't deterred by my sometimes prickly exterior. "You need to relax, love." He trailed the tip of his nose up the line of my neck and pressed a soft kiss just below my ear.

_Oh, Jesus..._

"That's it. Just relax and let me..." he murmured, tilting my head to the side, making more room for his lips to explore.

The touch of his soft lips was working wonders at erasing most rational thought from my mind. After a few moments the only thing I could think about was him: his gentleness, the lingering brush of his mouth against my tingling skin, the heat of his body next to mine. I shifted, wincing as the hard, wooden planks scraped against my thighs.

_Oh, right. We're not at home. We're running away. From my –_

"Stop thinking so hard, love. Just enjoy," Edward implored, nipping at my earlobe. He didn't even give me a chance to respond. With one swift pull, he had me up against him, and he kept tugging until I swung one leg over both of his and straddled his waist. He leaned against the wooden wall and urged me closer, fitting my pelvis against his. "I miss you, Bel," he breathed into my neck, kissing the sensitive skin.

Damn, he was busting out the pet name.

No one ever called me Bel like he did – only used it in the bedroom, in that soft, husky tone that dripped with pure lust. And it was my undoing. I couldn't think of anything else other than how his body felt against mine, creating a heat that I couldn't resist. My need grew until I couldn't suppress the sensations that coursed through me.

"We're all alone."

"I don't really think..."

"No one will see."

_God, he sounded so sure. I should believe him, right?_

His chilled hands slipped beneath my shirt and wandered across my stomach, creeping higher and higher. "Please, I need to feel you." He cupped my breasts through the thin fabric of my bra, squeezing gently.

My nipples hardened against his touch, my whole body coming alive. In more ways than one.

"Careful," I warned. "You'll get more than you're expecting if you keep that up..."

Undeterred, he laughed gently, tweaking both nipples before wrapping his arms around my back. "Right. If I'm not thirsty, I'd better move along."

Yet _another _not always pleasant reminder of our new status as parents: don't overstimulate the titties or things could get messy.

I smirked, turning my face into his hair, enjoying the way it softly tickled my nose. "Exactly."

"At this point, I'm not so sure I care," he muttered distractedly as he withdrew his hands from beneath my shirt and began working each button open, from the bottom up. "Ever since you got pregnant with Emily, your tits have been nothing short of amazing. Angels weep when I get to squeeze them..."

I snorted.

"They do, I swear."

"You're not grossed out? By the...?" Jesus, I was so juvenile I couldn't even say the words. Even I thought it was a little weird, and it was actually coming _out_ of me. Emily sure loved the shit out of it, though. And whatever Emily wanted, she got.

He pulled back to watch what he was doing and shrugged, slipping the final button open. "I can't decide. Half of me is weirded out, but the other half is sort of curious." With a smile that promised a whole lot of trouble, he slid his hands beneath my shirt and parted the halves. "But...my dick just wants me to touch them."

I laughed aloud in spite of my nerves, but as soon as I saw my stomach revealed to the world, I panicked. My eyes went wide as I nervously scanned the entire twenty-five square feet of the playhouse, terrified someone was going to suddenly appear and see the disaster that was my postpartum belly – I didn't care if they saw my boobs, because he was right, they _were_ awesome. The whole situation was almost enough to make me forget that he halfway admitted to wanting to taste breast milk.

Almost.

"You are really odd, Edward," I told him, trying to hold my shirt closed in spite of his efforts to the contrary.

He shrugged again. "It's not odd that I love everything about you," he countered simply. "And it just reminds me that you're the mother of my child. It sort of turns me on."

My cheeks heated, and I met his eyes as I let go of my shirt, leaving my hands up between us.

"Come on, Bel." His voice was rough, husky. "There's no one here." Gentle fingers pushed away my nervous hands and returned to trace the edge of my bra. The outline of my nipple was very obvious against the fabric. He lightly scraped a fingernail across the peak, making me gasp. He tugged both cups down and repeated the motion over my bared flesh, drawing a whimper from my throat. "So beautiful," he muttered, almost to himself. But it was something I desperately needed to hear.

I cupped his jaw and pulled his face to mine, angling my head for a kiss. He immediately took over, nipping my lower lip and sliding one hand down to cup my hip. I smoothed my palms over the gritty shadow on his cheeks before I let my fingers walk down his neck and over his pecs. Our greedy fingers dug in. Flexed and released. Again. He began bunching up my skirt, until it barely covered the very tops of my thighs. Two fingers flirted with the lace edge low on my hip.

"Can I?" he questioned softly in between kisses, tugging on the cotton. "Please, love?"

With one final nervous glance around the park, I squeezed my eyes shut. "Yes," I answered in a barely audible whisper, shifting my hips just the tiniest bit in encouragement.

I could feel him smile against my mouth as he deepened the kiss, and then I felt his fingers touching my bare skin. He ran the backs of them over my slick flesh, up and down, coating himself. A low groan rose from his throat.

"Mmmm..." Slowly, he pushed his fingers inside me. "So good. It's been too long, love."

I gasped and buried my face in his neck as he withdrew, then thrust again and again. The pad of his thumb lightly circled my clit, the touch too gentle to be satisfying.

"Stop teasing me," I panted, arching my hips into his hand.

"You want me to stop?" he asked with a dark chuckle.

"No! I said –"

"Then I guess you'll miss out on this..." He worked another finger inside of me and applied more pressure with his thumb, and my eyes almost rolled back in my head. I wrapped my arms around him, squirming against the hard length of his body until I couldn't get any closer.

"Oh my God..." I gasped it more than once as my back arched and my hips rolled atop his. "Edward, I'm –"

His mouth closed over mine, swallowing my moans of pleasure as I fell apart, my inner muscles clamping down around his fingers in one of the most intense orgasms I'd ever had in my life. As I came down, I opened my eyes to find him watching me, his gaze heated and dark.

"That was so fucking hot," he growled, letting his fingers slip from my body. He slid them around and cupped my ass, giving it a little slap, startling me. I didn't know whether to be turned on or offended. Then he started massaging and rubbing soothing circles on my still-tingling flesh, and I knew I definitely didn't mind. He continued, "But there's something I need."

"What?" I swallowed past a suddenly dry mouth.

He made a fist in the lace of my underwear, snapping a few of the stitches in the process. "I need you to give me these panties."

* * *

.

.

_As I said, HIGHLY fictionalized. My husband's latest pickup line was "Wanna snuggle before the kid wakes up?" So romantic. He's lucky I love him._


	4. Chapter 4

****_Not much to say here - trying to get to bed so I can get at least 3 hrs of sleep before the little one wakes up at 3:30 a.m. She's slept through the night since she was about six weeks old, but for the last two weeks, she thinks she needs a bottle in the middle of the night. What the hell? Guess she just wants to keep me on my toes.  
_

_KristenLynn looked this over for me. She found more errors than I'd like. Damn it.  
_

_Anyway, this is pretty much one huge lemon. I did say this is highly fictionalized...  
_

* * *

**Chapter 4**

Well. That's new. I raised a brow in amused disbelief.

He didn't seem too pleased with my reaction. Tugging a little harder, he warned, "Don't make me rip them off you, Bel."

I smirked. "Someone's been watching too much porn."

With a wicked grin, he said lowly, "Maybe a little. You see, it's been a while since I've been able to fuck my gorgeous, sexy wife, because she's just _given birth_ to my daughter. While I'll never be able to give you enough to repay what you've given me...I've got a lot of pent-up lust I have to deal with, baby."

I couldn't blame him. "I watched my share of porn when I was pregnant with Emily," I admitted, looking away in embarrassment.

Edward attacked my neck with his lips. "How did I not know that?" he asked between soft kisses. His fingers slowly worked my panties down my hips, until he needed my help to go any further. "And why have we never done that together?"

Smiling against his mouth, I murmured, "I have no idea."

By the time he kissed his way back up to my mouth, I would have done just about anything he asked. I'd fry bacon while topless. _Ouch_. I'd run naked through a dark hallway covered in broken glass. _Double ouch._ It was also horror movie material. So maybe I wouldn't do the last one.

And then all my stupid thoughts turned to steam and floated away as he licked at my lips. I opened to him and our exchange became intense to the point of tears for me. He took my mouth with the confidence of a lover who already knew just how to make me explode. The kiss was deep and long, and I knew what it meant. Edward always kissed me this way when he was about to lose it, when he was shaking with the need to be inside of me. When he finally let me up for air, I scooted back off his lap, holding his gaze as I shimmied the panties down my calves. He licked his bottom lip as I worked them off carefully. With a half-smile, I let the black lace dangle from one forefinger, right in front of his face.

"Fuck," he whispered, his eyes dropping shut briefly. He took the panties and shoved them in his back pocket. Leaning back on one hand, he held out the other. "Come back here," he said with a dark grin, crooking a finger.

I straddled his thighs and he immediately spread them, forcing my legs wider. I looked down and saw myself pretty much exposed, my skirt had ridden up so far. Edward shifted his hips and my eyes caught the outline of his erection beneath his jeans. The denim was stretched just tight enough to give me a show.

"Do you want me?" His voice was low and hoarse, barely audible. Heated breath blew into the crook of my neck.

I nodded, whimpering as he gently ran his fingers between my legs. My still-sensitive flesh reacted easily, beginning the sensations all over again.

"I've been hard for you all night." He punctuated the last word with a nip to my earlobe. "Do you feel that?" he asked, grasping my hand and pressing it against his lap. I could feel him, straining beneath the denim. I couldn't wait until I felt him inside me...every last inch.

With a smile, I flipped open the top button of his jeans.

_Four more to go._

_Lucky, lucky me_.

"You're about to _get_ lucky," Edward chuckled darkly, pushing up into my hands.

Apparently, I said all that out loud. I guess my inner monologue was broken.

Shaking it off, I kept going, slowly slipping the next to last button from its mooring. As I worked, I let the backs of my fingers graze the length of him. Every time I made contact, his jaw tightened and his eyes went a little unfocused. So I did it a little more, toying with his control. It wasn't completely altruistic – surely, if I distracted him with sex, he wouldn't care about my not-so-inner monologue problem.

"Shit," he breathed, resting his forehead against mine. The last button was free, but I still had to peel the fly open. He was very much trapped behind the denim, and it was clearly killing him. "Love, please..._touch_ me!"

I loved every second of it, and I bet he secretly did too.

Carefully, I peeled back his fly and he sprang free. "No boxers?" I asked dumbly, because he was clearly commando. The fact was pointing right at me.

With a smirk, he shrugged. "Easy access for the wife."

"So thoughtful." I brushed the words over his mouth. Then I wrapped my hand around his shaft and bit his bottom lip lightly. He groaned a little and slid his arms behind my back, pulling me closer. My hand and his arousal were trapped between us, burning hot against the bare skin of my belly below my skirt. I took advantage of what little room I had and gently circled my thumb around the head. He was already leaking.

One of his hands fell away and came back with a condom. He tore the packet open and pressed it into my free hand.

"I got an IUD three weeks ago," I reminded him, getting a little irked that he was still carrying condoms around.

_I mean, who would he need to use them with? Is he cheating on me? What the hell?!_

Luckily for him, Edward broke through my rant with two simple words. "Easy cleanup," he said wryly.

Damn. Out loud again. My rage balloon deflated. "Oh." So I might have overreacted. My hormones weren't completely regulated yet. Sue me. I had a baby nine weeks ago.

"As much as I love it when there's nothing between us, I had these leftover from before you were protected. Believe me, I want to feel you. Only you. You're always so fucking hot, so wet. I want to bury myself inside you...your sweet pussy...skin to skin," he rambled fervently, cupping my cheeks. I couldn't tear my eyes from his, his gaze drilling me into the floor.

I wished he really _was_ drilling me into the floor. Jesus, he was killing my brain cells.

"But after you were so scared that first time, I just wanted to be sure we were safe." He held my face in his hands and brushed a light kiss on my forehead.

How could he be so sweet and so damn sexy at the same time? No one man should have that much game; it was unfair to the rest of the male population. Good thing I wasn't in the market for any other men. Ever.

"I'm sorry I overreacted," I whispered, feeling sheepish.

Pulling back, he gave me a one-sided grin. "I know how you can make it up to me."

His gaze met mine and then dropped down between us.

So profound, my husband.

With my own wry grin, I complied, carefully sheathing him while he looked on. I finished by drawing the back of my finger up the bottom of his shaft. He hissed in response, a sexy wrinkle appearing between his brows.

"So, did you have big plans tonight?" I joked in a soft voice as he hitched my hips right up to his. His cock slid across my thigh, under the skirt that barely covered the tops of my thighs at this point. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, linking my fingers at the base of his neck.

"My only _plan_ was to be prepared for everything. I wasn't going to miss any opportunity to make love to my wife," he promised, gripping my hips and lifting, positioning me for that first long, hot slide.

Damn, that was a smooth answer. "Oh, you're good."

He grinned wickedly and teased, "Oh, I know." With the confidence of a man who knows he's always welcome, he pushed my hips down until the tip of him slid inside me.

I held my breath, sinking down until I was nearly too full. It was sort of like my first time again – it was that sensitive and tender down there. Edward stayed still, his jaw going a little slack, his eyes sort of glazing over.

It didn't really hurt. It was just...different. Almost unfamiliar. There was something illicit about the barely-there barrier, that slight feel of something _other_ between us; it made things seem daring, like we weren't supposed to be doing what we were doing. It reminded me of our first time together, when I gave it up to Edward on our second date.

I knew I would marry him even then.

I've never regretted that decision in the years since. My nineteen-year-old self really did find her prince in the twenty-one-year-old closet stoner boy she first met at a house party a block away from campus.

"Holy fuck, Bel," he groaned softly, digging his fingers hard into my hips. "You feel so good."

"We are so going to get arrested," I panted as he began a hard, slow rhythm. My bare knees scraped against the wood planks of the clubhouse, but I barely noticed the burn. I'd have splinters later, but I found myself hard-pressed to care. He made me feel _that_ good. He always had.

He grunted and pushed up into me. "Baby, this is _so _worth it." Teeth nipped at my chin and jaw, soft lips dragged up to mine.

I swiveled my hips against his, gripping his shoulders for leverage. His breath fell hot and fast on my cheek as we kissed. I took my time, savoring the taste of his lips and tongue. He pulled me even closer, changing the angle so he drove deeper inside me. I went limp against him, barely even able to breathe as he worked my body.

"You like that, don't you?" he whispered darkly, laying the words on my lips. One of his hands wound tightly in my hair, tilting my head back.

I couldn't even form a coherent yes. "Mmmm..." I hummed, letting my eyes fall closed so I could savor the sensations.

"Look at me." It wasn't a request, but a command. His voice, while soft, had a rough and demanding edge to it.

I forced my eyes open and fixed my gaze on his. Our faces were so close that I was breathing his air – living on the minty, spicy taste of his breath. His green eyes were dominated by deep black pupils in the dimness, glinting with fire and need and lust. All the while, he thrust up into me as my hips met his in a deliciously deep, lazy rhythm.

The night was quiet, save for our heavy breaths and the sound of skin on skin. I didn't even have to worry about being quiet – there was no energy left over for my voice. Everything I had was focused on the sex – the sensations, the sounds, the sights... oh, God, the sights. Edward's jaw clenched with every thrust, making my lips tingle with the need to kiss it. To feel the sandpapery, gritty-sugar scrape of his scruff against my lips. His brow furrowed in concentration, framing those deep, dark eyes that saw everything, had always seen everything deep within me, from the first time I met him.

"Fuck," he breathed, raking his teeth over my bottom lip. "Oh, fuck..."

He took my mouth again, his tongue snaking inside. His hot, wet kisses consumed me, mimicking our movements below. He bent his knees behind me, bracing his feet against the floor as he picked up the pace. Faster. Harder. One of his hands found its way under my skirt and his thumb flicked over my clit, gently circling. My whole body wound tight, arching into his touch. I was so close...

How had I forgotten it could be this good? That he could make me feel this way?

"Are you close? Please say you're close," he begged. Lightly, he pinched my clit between his fingers, making me cry out.

"Don't stop!" I might have repeated it a few times – I was too far gone to know for sure. Release was right there, hanging just out of reach, making me feel like I'd die if I couldn't come again.

But I just couldn't get there.

He had me feeling so good the pleasure bordered on pain, and the longer I hung on the edge, the more elusive my orgasm became.

"Come on, baby," Edward panted, his glinting eyes stark green against the pink flush smudged high across his cheekbones. "Please, please come..."

"I don't think... I can't..." I could barely breathe under the onslaught of sensation his body brought to mine. My tender, puckered nipples brushed against the smattering of hair over his pecs, making me feel like they had a direct connection to my clit. Pleasure built, growing and growing with no limit, and I began to think I could get there again. Biting my lip, I let my head fall back as my eyes slipped closed in concentration.

He cupped the back of my head with his free hand and forced my face to his. "I said look at me," he growled. "And don't fucking bite that lip. That's for me to do..."

At his request, I took him in greedily: his swollen, kiss-bruised lips, the ruddy planes of his cheeks, his wrecked hair. Did I look as ravished as he did? God, I hoped so.

The next words were softer, gentler. "Let go, love." His thumb pressed against my lower lip, which was still caught between my teeth. "I missed this," he breathed, bringing our foreheads together. "Missed feeling you...fucking you."

"Missed you, too." I barely squeaked the words out. Yeah, so my husband was much better at dirty talk than I was. I made up for it in other ways. He certainly wasn't complaining.

"What did you miss, Bel?" He waited a few beats, each one timed in a thrust of his hips. When I didn't answer with anything but a delighted moan, he pressed a quick, nipping kiss to my lips. "Maybe I should tell you everything I missed about this. Perhaps that will loosen your...tongue," he said wickedly, steadily swirling his thumb over my clit.

He abruptly cupped his hand between my legs, his fingers exploring our connection even as he continued to fuck me. Soon they became slick and warm, slipping easily back and forth, awakening nerve endings I never knew I had.

"You get so wet for me. God, I missed that."

And I inched a little closer to the edge.

"I missed kissing your hot little mouth." Boldly, he swept his tongue across my bottom lip, priming me with heat before nipping sharply. I gasped at the sting and he took advantage, slipping his tongue inside. We spent a few long, blissful seconds tangled up in the kiss, but he pulled back all too soon.

"Missed feeling all your soft skin." Hot, moist lips drifted over my chin. Teeth grazed my jaw line as his mouth made its way up to press a slow kiss just underneath my ear.

"And I really missed this sweet little pussy," he breathed, thrusting hard and grinding his hips in a slow, sensual circle.

My whole body tensed up like it would shatter into a million jagged pieces as he kept pounding into me. He whispered increasingly dirty and outrageous things into my ear, his words forming an almost tangible connection to the place between my thighs.

"Lean back for me, Bel. Let me see."

I did as he asked, resting my back on his raised knees and following his gaze down between us. His strong thighs kept my legs spread, held open wide as his cock slid in and out, glistening slickly in the near darkness. Deftly, his thumb swirled over my clit, teasing me closer and closer to release.

"Look at that," he purred, licking his bottom lip. "You look so good, spread open for me. Fucking perfect."

I. Was. Done. All sensation focused at that one tiny point, igniting into a backdraft of flame that ripped through my whole body.

Incoherent, breathless words spilled from my lips. "Oh, God... I'm... Edward!"

This release was even more intense than the first, as hard as it was to reach. Lost beneath crushing waves of bliss, I clutched at his shoulders as I came, digging my nails into his skin.

But he just hummed in approval and worked more of that dirty mouth. "Fuck, yes. Come on me, baby..." He kept rubbing my clit until I shuddered and reached for his hand, the sensation too much for me to bear.

I linked my fingers with his and brought them up to my lips. Our eyes locked as I pressed a kiss to the back of his hand. Smiling slightly, I increased the pace, wanting to see him lose control. Without letting me go, he wound his arm around my back, pinning both of mine along the way. I was trapped, but I had no desire to be let go. He held me closer, hips moving faster, harder as he pulled me as close to his body as I could get. I felt everything: the heated slide of his shaft inside me; the damp pressure of his skin against mine; the humid kiss of his breath on my lips.

God, I'd missed this so much – the connection, the closeness. The knowledge that only I could make him feel this way. It wasn't until tonight that I realized how much we needed this reconnection. Our daughter was the physical representation of our love for one another, but it took this one simple, basic act to remind me just how much we needed each other. How we belonged together.

Edward's eyes were wild, his gaze desperate and feral as he focused on his own release. He grunted as he thrust, his muscles going rigid, until he buried his face in the crook of my neck and moaned loudly. He twitched inside me, thrusting erratically, letting me hear his pleasure as he came.

"I love you," he panted, dropping soft kisses on my collarbone. "Fuck, I love you so much."

I was too busy catching my breath and reeling at our sexcapades to answer. It was a few minutes (which seemed like hours) before I could form a coherent thought. After all, my brain had to be starved of blood following the intensity of that romp.

_Did we really just have sex on a playground?_

_How will I ever be able to bring Emily to this place for play dates without blushing?_

_Hell, who cares? It's gonna be a damn good memory. All the other moms will be so jealous..._

Edward's breathless laugh broke me out of my reverie. "Yeah, we just did that."

I dropped my forehead to his shoulder and let out a laugh of my own, wondering if he'd heard it all. It was likely – I blamed the earlier stated loss of blood to the brain. "I really need to stop saying that kind of shit out loud," I said.

"Don't. Your lack of filter is one of the many things I love about you."

Snorting, I shook my head without lifting it from his body. "You're biased. I just rocked your world."

"I thought it was the other way around," he countered softly, placing sweet kiss on my neck. He lifted his head and framed my face with his hands, peering up at me. "You're the one that came twice."

"You're a cocky shit, Edward." I couldn't even stop smiling long enough to truly call him out.

He smirked. "You love my cocky shit. Mostly my cock."

_Well, I can't argue with you there, stud._

Edward chuckled and raised an eyebrow. "No need to argue with the truth."

Damn it. Out loud again.

"I love you," I said with a shy grin, pressing a kiss to his swollen lips. "In spite of your bad jokes." I couldn't resist the last part.

He rolled his eyes, but couldn't keep the grin off his face. "And I love you. In spite of your sudden propensity to blurt out every single thought in your head."

I frowned. "I can't help it. You scramble my brain sometimes."

Shrugging, he quipped, "It's a gift." He patted my ass and urged me off his lap. We righted our clothes in silence, sharing a few amused glances as we both worked out the kinks of our impromptu romp. We definitely weren't as young as we used to be, and boy, was my body letting me know it.

I finished straightening my clothes by slipping my panties back on and looked over to find Edward tossing the used condom into the corner of the playhouse.

"Edward Anthony Cullen! You can't do that!" I yelled in disbelief, my mouth hanging open.

"Why not?" he asked, like he couldn't imagine why I'd be upset.

"What happens when some kid finds that? This is a public playground!"

"So?"

"You're disgusting! How would you like it if Emily picked that up and brought it to you? 'Look, Daddy, I found a balloon! Will you blow it up for me?'" I mimicked, almost gagging as I imagined the scenario.

It was dark, but I swore I saw him go pale. "Shit. I didn't think of that." He immediately went and picked it up. "I'm sure there's a trashcan in this park somewhere..."

"I screwed you stupid, didn't I?"

He growled playfully and pretended to toss the condom in my direction. "Shut up. I've gone too long without sex. I can't be held responsible for my actions in the afterglow."

I laughed. "Right." Like I could take him seriously when he was pinching a used condom between his thumb and forefinger, holding it as far away from himself as he possibly could. Like it was someone else's and not his. Squeamish dork.

Yeah, I didn't want to touch it either, but still.

"You ready to go?" He yawned suddenly, which sparked one of my own.

"Yeah, let's go." Man, there was something to be said for having sex in your own bed. You could go to sleep right after. We were new parents, after all. Sex wasn't the only precious commodity – sleep was right up there. "I can't wait to get in bed."

He took my hand and I and followed him out of the playhouse. We were almost to the edge of the park when someone shined a spotlight on us. We froze, just like deer in the headlights.

"Police – stop right there! This park closed at sunset! You're trespassing!"

Shit. Busted. How the hell are we going to get out of this?

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_Yeah, don't we all wish? Well, not the very last part..._

_Until tomorrow!_


	5. Chapter 5

_Here you have it, the last chapter. This has been fun! Hope you all enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed this little foray back into writing. _

_I've loved all your baby stories and advice, and even the warnings. Though you've all got me really, really nervous about teething. I've been checking her little gums every day. It's starting to piss her off, I think.  
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_KristenLynn checks my work and keeps me from making absolutely no sense whatsoever. And on such short notice, too! Thank you, my friend.  
_

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I took one look at Edward, and there wasn't even a question as to what we were going to do. We both bolted like greyhounds racing for their lives at the dog track. He clutched my hand tightly as we ran, heading for the tree line and the path that would lead us back to our house. Behind us, I heard the loud, uneven clomp of ungainly footsteps, which only made me run faster. I probably wouldn't have been able to keep up with Edward otherwise; his long legs made him much faster than me. But I had pure terror fueling my short-ass self.

"Stop!" The voice cut through the night again, the beam of the Mag-Lite bouncing over the ground in between us.

"We can make it," Edward hissed as my feet hit the pavement of the walking path. "Don't you dare stop!"

"I'm not spending the night in a jail cell!" I huffed back, trying to concentrate on not permanently damaging myself. I was normally clumsy, but I was also nine weeks out from major abdominal surgery.

"You damn kids!" the cop yelled, sounding pretty far behind us. "Go fuck in your car! Don't defile a playground! Children play here!"

I shot a look at Edward, unable to keep from grinning. "Did you hear that? He called us kids!" My amusement was short-lived as I promptly tripped over something in the middle of the pathway – probably my own foot. Edward had to pull hard to keep me from going down; it felt like he just about wrenched my arm from the socket. I was immediately reminded exactly why we _weren't_ kids, because that was damn painful.

"No talking! Just running – I'm too pretty for jail," Edward panted as he kept dragging me in the general direction of our house. We rushed through the darkness, getting slapped by branches and leaves almost every step of the way. At this rate, I'd be lucky if I didn't lose an eye.

When we finally burst out of the wooded path and made a sharp right turn onto the sidewalk, I noticed the strobe of the flashlight was no longer following us. Did we lose the cop?

Fifty yards later we burst through our back gate, and I scrambled for the keys as we almost ran right into the back door. It seemed like it took forever to get the damn thing unlocked, but we still remembered not to slam it behind us once we tumbled inside – we didn't need to wake Emily on top of everything else!

Safely ensconced in the dark house with a heavy-duty slab of wood between ourselves and the rather portly arm of the law, we slumped against the door and slid down to our asses. Both of us panted like long-haired, black dogs in August. The house was silent and dark – which meant I wouldn't have to face my parents. Yet.

_Thank God. I've had enough stress for one evening_.

Kids, my ass. After that, I was ready for a walker. Complete with worn-out tennis balls on the legs. We wouldn't want to leave any scuff marks.

After sitting there for a few minutes, I'd calmed enough to hear above my ragged breathing and the rapid pounding of my heart.

I turned my head toward Edward. "We made it!" I whisper-shouted, adrenaline flooding through my veins in a rush of endorphin-laced euphoria. Swear to God, it was almost better than my orgasms earlier.

My husband was staring down at his hand, which was clenched in front of him. Spent latex dangled from his fist.

"You carried that all the way from the park?" I clapped a hand over my mouth as laughter erupted.

He hit me with a death glare and heaved himself up off the floor. "I didn't exactly have time to find a trash can," he growled as he tossed the condom in the trash and quickly scrubbed his hands at the sink.

"You should have tossed it behind us. Maybe the cop would have slipped on it, like a banana peel," I snickered, getting up to grab a hand towel from the drawer.

He rolled his eyes and made a face. "You're the one who didn't want me to litter." He flicked his hands in my direction, sending water all over me.

I gasped at the cold. "Jerk." In retaliation, I held the towel out of his reach, quickly mopping my face.

Edward snagged my arm and pulled me close enough to snatch the towel. "It would be stupid to leave my DNA at the scene of the crime, Bella." He tapped his temple and smirked. "I've learned a little something from all those shows you watch on the Investigation Discovery channel."

"Oh, lord." I pointed at the tousled mess that adorned his head. "I hope you washed your hands really well. Your hair already looks like a 'Something About Mary' situation. We don't want to make it any worse."

"Ha ha, Bella." Turning me around, he guided us toward the bedroom. "You know, there are much better things you could be doing with that smart mouth, other than making dumb jokes."

I stifled a snort. "Yeah, that's not happening. We're getting old. I don't know about you, but I need a good night's sleep before we attempt round two."

"You're right," he sighed, shoulders slumping. "No more all-night sex-athons..."

"That would mean they had to happen to begin with, Mr. I-Fall-Asleep-Within-Seconds-After-Sex."

"Be quiet. You know I'm always good for some morning sex. _That's_ round two."

"It is not! It's only round two if it happens in the same day."

"It's within the same twenty-four hours," he pointed out, steering me toward the bedroom.

"Has to be in the same calendar day," I argued.

"Who made you the keeper of the sex rules?"

"You did, when you married me," I said flatly. "End of discussion."

"Yes, Ma'am." He shot me a grin and gave me a salute. It was corny, but he was so gorgeous while doing it.

We took a quick detour to Emily's room, quietly slipping inside to peek at her swaddled form sleeping in the center of her crib. Edward wrapped an arm around me as we gazed down at our daughter, and he pressed a soft kiss to my temple. I sighed in contentment and leaned against his hard frame. _This _was my favorite part of each day – seeing her all snuggled up and comfy...and sleeping.

Hey, I had to be honest.

After a few minutes, we quietly made our way to our bedroom, shutting the door behind us. Edward immediately started stripping off his clothes, dropping them in a trail on his way to the en-suite bathroom.

I followed behind, rolling my eyes as I gathered his stuff. I thought about giving him shit, but I didn't make it to six years of happy marriage without learning to pick my battles. By the time I tossed them in the hamper, he strode out of the bathroom, a toothbrush hanging out of his mouth. I took a moment to ogle him – even though I was too exhausted for sex, I wasn't blind. Edward in the nude was a sight to behold, and I'd been deprived of the view during our encounter at the park. I frowned as he slipped on a pair of pajama pants.

_Oh, well. At least he's still shirtless._

"Thanks, I guess?" he chuckled through a mouth full of toothpaste. It sounded more like, "Fanks, I guesh."

_Shit. I'm still doing it_. I flipped him off, and he trotted back to finish brushing his teeth. I padded to the dresser and pulled out some PJs before I headed to kick him out of the bathroom.

Edward finished up by rinsing his toothpaste out of the sink (thank God for small favors – and battles I _did_ pick). I tossed my pajamas on the counter and waited for him to go get in bed. But instead of giving me some privacy, he started examining himself in the mirror. With a frown, he leaned closer and ran his fingers through the hair at his temples.

"Damn it, I'm going gray," he griped, plucking at one of the supposed gray hairs.

I bit back a grin. "Well, you _are_ pushing thirty-three. It's to be expected, right?" I never could resist razzing him, since he was a little over two years older than me.

He scowled at me in the mirror. "Need I remind you of your birthday in two weeks?"

"You'll always be older than me," I sang. Mature, I was. Taking pity on him, I moved to run a hand through his hair. "You're not going gray. I'm sure those are just some really bleached out strands from this summer."

"They're gray," he pouted, holding up the offensive strand pinched between his fingers.

"At least you don't have gray pubes," I offered with a smirk. "You know, they say if you pull out a gray hair, two more will grow in its place..."

He barked out a startled laugh. "Leave it to my wife to put things in perspective."

I pretended to brush imaginary lint off my shoulder. "All part of the job."

Teasingly poking me in the stomach, he joked, "So you've been paying that much attention, huh?"

"I'm exhausted, not dead." I laid a quick kiss on his lips and put my hands on his chest. "Even if you're going gray, you're still damn hot," I said with a nod. "Now, get the hell out of here so I can get ready for bed." Lightly, I shoved him toward the bedroom.

He didn't budge. "Why do I have to leave?"

Damn it, he was still pouting. Why did he have to look so edible when he did that?

Grimacing, I fumbled for an explanation. "Do you really want to watch me pee?"

"Well...no. But I _would _like to see you strip," he said with a wicked grin. "I missed it this evening." We had the same brain sometimes; I was convinced of it.

I sighed. "Ugh, I'd rather you watch me pee."

Raising his brows, he asked, "Something you want to tell me, love? Have you discovered a fetish I don't know about?"

"Eww. Gross. Definitely not." Once again, I pushed at his chest, but he wouldn't move.

Instead, he wound his arms around my waist and pulled me a little closer. "What's the deal, then?" His voice was soft, his expression one of genuine puzzlement.

Keeping my eyes focused on my chipped fingernail polish, I admitted, "My body isn't exactly the same as it used to be. Giant Frankenstein scars and stretch marks aren't exactly attractive."

"Bella," he chided gently, using a finger to lift my chin so my gaze met his. "I love you. Every single thing about you." His eyes were dark like the deep shade of the forest, warmed by a little ring of amber gold around the pupils. "You know that."

"I do," I whispered, trying to keep my lip from trembling. Tears built in my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. "But it's got to be different... I mean, an extra fifteen pounds is no joke on someone with my frame –"

He stopped me with one finger over my lips. "You're beautiful. So beautiful. Always have been, always will be. No matter what."

"But, my scar –"

"Is special, Bella. So very special." As if to prove his point, he slowly lifted the shirt over my head. I didn't resist, and he peeled the rest of the clothes from my body, dropping them to the tiled floor as he looked on.

I was speechless under the weight of his gaze. I'd never considered myself particularly attractive, but when Edward looked at me, I _felt_ it. _Knew_ it. When I didn't respond, he turned us so I faced the mirror, with him pressed up behind me. The feeling of his naked chest against my bare back made me a little weak in the knees.

"This scar means something to me, Bella. It means you're brave. You're strong. You're willing to do whatever it takes for our daughter." He rested a slightly trembling hand over the deep pink line that rode on top of my pubic bone. "You were _cut open_ so Emily would be okay," he whispered, a faint smile curving his lips. "Nothing much tops allowing someone to cut you open while you're awake."

Even nine weeks later, I could tell it still made Edward a little green to think about it. And it made me love him even more to know he still stayed right by my side the whole time, putting aside his squeamishness so he could hold my hand and tell me everything was going to be just fine.

"I couldn't feel anything. I had an epidural," I reminded him gently, though to be honest, the C-Section had been the scariest moment of my life so far. There are few things more frightening than being partially paralyzed and strapped to a table under lights so bright they could give you a sunburn. But for Edward, I kept it to myself. I covered his hand with my own and took in the sight of our laced fingers resting low on my belly.

He shuddered a little against my back. "Cut open," he repeated.

"It wasn't like I had much of a choice. Emily wasn't responding well to the contractions, and I wasn't progressing. It was what was best for the both of us."

He pressed a kiss to my temple and turned me to face him. "That's what makes you the best mommy. You'd do anything for her." Another kiss, on the lips this time. "You're doing a great job at this mommy thing."

I blushed at his compliment in spite of myself. It was so welcome – nothing made me feel more inadequate than having another human being depending completely on me for survival.

"Really?" My voice cracked a bit at the question.

A sweet, adoring smile curved his lips. "Really. I'm so proud of you, Bella."

I looked down for a moment, swallowing past the sudden lump in my throat. "There are times I feel like the shittiest parent on the face of the earth. I love Emily so much, but sometimes all I want to do is put her down. When I was pregnant, I fantasized about spending all day holding our baby. But at this point, I'd just like to take a shit by myself," I finished with a sigh.

Edward placed his hands on either side of my face and tilted it up to his. Deep green eyes glowed down at me, warm and loving. "Love, you're doing the best you can. You're an amazing mother."

"I love you," I vowed, suddenly blinking back tears at the intensity of my emotions. Damn postpartum hormones were still hanging around, evidently.

"I love you, too, Bella," he promised, hugging me to his chest. "You and Emily are my whole life. I couldn't have asked for a better mother to our children."

While his compliment was lovely and much-needed – his reassurances everything I needed and more – there was one thing I couldn't shake.

"_Children?_" I blinked at him. Why I thought that would solve my apparent hearing problem, I had no idea. Surely he hadn't insinuated that we'd have more kids.

Right?

"Umm...yes?" he forced out, realizing his gaffe. He had the grace to look sorry.

"You're crazy," I said flatly.

"Emily needs siblings!"

"No she doesn't! I'm an only child, and I grew up just fine!"

"Don't tell me you never wished for a brother or sister," Edward argued, looping his arms around my waist and pressing a kiss to the curve of my neck.

I tried to push him away. "Actually, I didn't. Don't be trying to seduce me into more kids, Jim Bob Duggar," I growled, squirming against him when he wouldn't relent. "Go find another brood mare."

"You watch too much television," he laughed, hugging me tighter. "I don't want another brood mare. I only want to make babies with you, Mrs. Cullen."

Hot breath tickled my neck, and I couldn't help but melt a little in his arms.

"You're out of your mind."

He said nothing, just kept working his magic, dragging his lips up and down my neck. And I was putty in his strong, gentle, long-fingered hands...ugh. It looked like we'd both changed our minds about round two.

Edward walked me backwards without taking his lips from my skin. Slowly, he herded me out of the bathroom and toward the bed. Soon, the backs of my knees hit the mattress and we fell onto the comforter. He was deliciously heavy on top of me, the heat of his bare chest gently abrading my nipples. His lips skimmed up and over my chin and he closed his mouth over mine, swallowing the moan that built in my throat.

We kissed languidly, in no rush to reach any particular goal or destination.

Threading a hand into my hair, Edward held me in place while his other hand trailed down the midline of my body, taking a detour to squeeze my hip and finally gripping my upper thigh. He hitched my leg around his body, making room for his hips. I hooked my toe in his pants and pulled them down past his ass, curving myself in a sinuous arch, ready to welcome him inside.

Just as he was about to enter me, the baby monitor screeched.

As if we'd been doused with cold water, our eyes popped open, locking first on one another, and then homing directly to the innocuous-looking device that sat on our nightstand. It looked so innocent, when it was capable of devastating our hopes and dreams and desires.

All sexy times immediately ceased as Edward and I looked at each other warily. But really, we shouldn't have been surprised. It was pretty much a given that Emily would interrupt whenever we were in the middle of something important. Like sitting down to eat a hot meal. Why not sex?

"Not it," I blurted. There was something about being a parent that made me want to regress into a ten-year-old.

The cries grew louder, until we didn't even need the monitor to hear Emily throw her fit. Edward pouted down at me, trying to make me feel guilty. But after the night I'd had, I deserved a break.

"I think it's your turn," he finally said in a last-ditch effort to get his way.

"No, I'm pretty sure it's yours," I deflected.

Recognizing he was beaten, he heaved himself off me and flopped onto his back.

"Damn it," he sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face. "Okay, you win. But I want bacon in the morning. Lots of it."

_Yes! I won! _"Done." He'd get his bacon...as soon as I got out of bed. And I wouldn't be in any hurry to do so, since I really didn't want to see my parents any sooner than I had to. Though, I was curious to see how they were getting along now that they'd worked off some of their...tension. Yuck.

With a little growl, Edward hopped up and hiked up his pajama pants.

"Love you," I called sweetly as he headed toward the nursery. He shot me a small smile and halfheartedly flipped me off as he left the room. I sighed and settled back into the bed, cocooning myself in the sheets. In spite of this evening's trauma, I knew I'd sleep like a rock tonight. Good sex will do that to a person...

"Aww, shit," Edward's muffled voice came through the monitor a few seconds later. "You crapped yourself again, didn't you, Princess?"

I buried my laugh into the pillow. Ahh, the joys of parenthood.

_Fin._

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_Thank you all for reading! Hopefully it won't take me another year to write something else.  
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